Editors Note: This is the rest of the beginning of a short story I read aloud at Noir At A Bar (Timothy’s, West Chester PA) on November 14. As each writer was limited to seven minutes stage time, I only read the first two sections of this story. I’m gong to finish it and post the whole thing here, in four separate parts. Please return to this site on December 12 to read Part 3. (The first image is from the 1932 film ‘Santa’s Workshop’, film cel courtesy of Wikipedia. Other images also obtained via Wikipedia.)
November 30, 2018
Attention: The New York Times, The Washington Post, USA Today, The Houston Chronicle, The Chicago Tribune, The Los Angeles Times and The Waynesburg Democrat-Messenger
You did not publish my last warning, perhaps because I tried to disguise my true identity.
I used a source I hoped you would respect and give more credibility to than my real self - - - an Elf.
Hopefully, this new alert from an anonymous insider (me) will get your attention.
Since my last correspondence, the situation has gotten worse.
I’ve got to proceed with caution because I’m in danger of being found out.
I need to carry on at my workstation and keep making crayons as if nothing has changed.
Color me Cagey Yellow.
This is the second attempt to persuade you to publish my letter of warning.
Why don’t you take this seriously? Color me Raging Red.
The meaning of Christmas is facing its greatest challenge ever.
We all assume that Santa’s Christmas Eve mission is a harmless legend.
The intent is to encourage good behavior among children.
Instead, it is a diabolical scheme to subvert youthful thinking.
I’m not referring to the excessive marketing.
That forces parents to empty their bank accounts in service to their offspring’s wish for the latest and greatest toy or possession.
This is much worse. It’s nothing more than the end of the world as we know it.
Santa Claus is a fascist.
I would know. I work for him.
But like-minded elves have vowed to bring down his agenda from within and thwart his wretched inclinations.
Color me Gross Out Green.
To be clear, ours is not a popular resistance.
Too many elves take a “don’t upset the sleigh bells” stance and do nothing.
We want Christmas to continue to be that part of the holiday season that celebrates the giving of gifts to children.
We believe our first duty is to the holiday.
But Santa continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the spirit of Christmas.
He is no longer moored to any discernible first principles to guide his decision making.
Ever since the 2016 election he feels empowered to follow his baser instincts.
His Russian and American partners are corrupting democracy. Next victim - - Christmas.
It may be cold comfort, but the world should know that there are adults in the room.
We fully recognize what is happening. And we are trying to do what’s right even when Santa Claus won’t.
Ours is not the work of the deep state. It’s the steady elfy state.
We are secretly trying to unravel the threads of division that Santa is attempting to sew across the nation.
Color us Passionate Purple.
Specifically, we are working to tamper with the underlying sleeper cell mechanisms implanted in the two most popular toys this season.
You can thank mass media promotion and social media propaganda for that.
This Christmas, what boy doesn’t want to own a J.K.A.K.47? Or 'Little J.K.’ as they are most commonly referred to.
The Johnny Kalashnikov Automatic Rifle, endorsed by both the President and the NRA.
Nano-needles have been threaded through the stock and along the trigger.
As soon as a child holds the toy, the subliminal implant is placed under the skin.
The unconscious command will be activated when a youngster hears any one of three key words: liberal, progressive, or Democrat.
Then the zombified boy flips the hidden switch on the underside of the magazine.
The Little J.K. converts from rubber bullets to live rounds. Color me Defecation Brown.
An even deadlier threat to our societal norms lies within the best selling doll for young girls this season — Little Orphan Anastasia.
This one received the Grim Housecreeping Squeal of Approval. L.O.A. uses the same nanotechnology.
The microscopic needles inside the doll, and the Faberge egg accessory, inject pheromones directly into the bloodstream.
Young girls are then compelled to cook and clean house.
As soon as they hear any of the three key words - - feminist, girl power, or Oprah - - they instinctively reach for pots or push brooms.
Color me Grieving Gray.
A dedicated group of elves are working diligently through the night, while Santa sleeps.
We are filing and blunting the tips of the nano-needles so they won’t function properly.
But, who knows how many other toys besides these have been tampered with?
Play it safe and stay away from ALL toys. Don’t sleep this Christmas Eve.
After Santa visits your home and departs, destroy all presents immediately.
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